new school, old self.

i shall start off this post with a sigh.sighs.where shall i start? his birthday just passed yesterday,or since its 12.13am now it shld be the day before yesterday.the forbidden kingdom movie was just abt to start when i thought of how he was doing and if he had a happy birthday.and though the movie was good and oh so interesting i found myself thinking of him again.half of me concentrating on the movie and the other half thinking of him.before the movie i went to walk ard the cathay picturehouse at dhoby gaut and saw this shop selling this pastel pink panda print jacket on sale and i thought of him(hmmm...if only they had another one with a bear print lol...). i wanna buy that jacket if i've got the dough. last monday i went for the 'amazing race' (sp architecture course's version), and my team won the race lol.the prize was a lame hamper (cheezels,oreos, pringles, and other such junk food etc that i refused to take in the end) by the way.then after completing the race we wenta see this expedition on architectural and ecology works. one look at it and i felt like quiting my course right there and then. cos what i saw there scared me. those works they were exhibiting there at the sculpture square was actually what third year architectural students will study. im gonna study that??? all that???transsolar systems and wind blowing alttitudes??? so chim. i thought i was gonna faint. oh im absolutely positive i'll die in my course man. but i havta move on becos i have to. he's my only motivation and inspiration now. cos i havta get those straight As and show that im independent. whatever it is i havta move forward. cos thats the only way to go now. there's no turning back to where i still had my choices to choose which poly and course i wanted to enter. no regrets now. by the end of the 'amazing' race i was totally pooped. i had to walk from dhoby gaut all the way to bugis for that particular game man.even though i was wearing my birkenstocks at the end of the day my feet were killing me.lets just hope my legs are toner now.after 2 whole weeks of orientation i've finally come to the conclusion that sp and architecture is really not for me.i cant ever adapt to the vast campus environment and poly life man. waking up everyday at 6.30am and travelling there for 1.5 hrs is not my idea of a 'flexible' routine. i always end up in school dead tired and worn out. one particular schoolmate even commented on how i looked worn out. at this rate i think im gonna turn into a old hag soon.just call me lynnette the 50 year-old looking 17 year-old. sighs. and my seniors encouraged us not to take up any ccas cos ppl taking architecture probably have no time for ccas. bummer. i even intended to join the drama club. but they did say we could try though so i guess im joining afterall.i'll most probably quit during the first year though.sighs.wednesday was when i bumped into his cousin.i was pleasantly surprised.i didnt know who she was at first so i just glanced past her just like i did to everyone else.and all of a sudden a girl in a emerald coloured spaghetti top shrieked 'lynnette!' (oh imagine my reaction to that. how surprised i was then huh.)
ok this is how i roughly remembered our convo....
me: =O
cousin :'hi! 我是....i am rinson's cousin!'
me: 'oh hello!'
charlene: ' what r u doing here?'
me: 'erms....eating lunch??'
charlene:' o i see...haha ok see u!'
........and the convo is roughly over or so....

funny though cos just earlier on that day i was just thinking abt his cousin and wondering if i'll ever see her on campus....hmmm...i must be pyschic! sighs. i just hope god will help me through my poly and him in his army. i hope god will help all my loved ones. i hope that i'll someday find something i have in common with my course-mates, or to be more specific , my groupmates. cos i distinctly remembered one of my seniors going 'oh so u must really have friends here in yr architectural course, cos most of the time the lecturers will push u guys really hard and it can be really hard to conform to it.for example when u needta come up with a design for some building and referring to books and stuff in the library will only help to a certain extent, and u really wanna give up studying architecture, most of the time its yr friends that help u through it'. sighs. dear, if u're thinking of trying to help me in my situation now, i say dont even think of it. cos i wanna settle this myself k? please do not interfere with this. this is personal stuff ya? dearie pls dont tell anyone. i dont want anyone in this world to know.except maybe u and gracey. kk its 1.42am now. i havta go get some shut eye before i really become a PANDA.goodnight. muacks.i love u.

when will i ever live my life???

its been ages since i last blogged and i've so much to say now. the last time i blogged was before my o lvels where i was struggling to pass o's. now, fast forward to the year 2008, months after o's, im back blogging again. cos i've just got too much feelings conjured up inside me, i've got to let it out.i cant tolerate it any longer. im upset, heartbroken, and frightened. i spend my days staring at my new laptop, viewing again and again at my beloved's friendster, listening to elliot yamin's waiting for you time and time again, my nights r spent reading the bible, praying to god, hoping and trying my best to believe that there's still hope for my future, something that i can actually be happy abt;god is the only one i can rely on now.will i actually survive the 2 years? will god really bless me?? will my parents actually finally give me the freedom i deserve when im 18? will they seriously let me make my own decisions? lately it seems like i've been jinxed. i try my best to move on and be happy but how can i in the first place? each time i finally manage to move a step , something will pop up in the silly mind of mine again. and i'll start weeping all over again, all the way in silence.cos its no use letting anyone know.. i try to move on but deep inside i just can't. a friend of mine told me that it maybe because i've got too much free time now that im on my hols so i spend most of my time wondering abt things i shldnt wonder abt. and when i finally enter poly it'll all be better. i hope its the case.im on my last few days of my vacation and time passes so slowly. where is this going? my life that is? in all aspects of it? my love life? my education? my future? he was everything to me. i thought nothing of him when we first met, but now, overtime, he has begun to grow on me, and now i find myself weeping everynight for him.weeping and tearing in silence under the my blanket covers. looking at the pledge he earnestly wrote for me and listening to sad songs. now he has even begun evading my dreams. i dream of him when im asleep. will i ever move on? will he forget me in time to come? will his efforts actually pay off in the end? will god help us? maybe im just being my worrywart, pessimistic self, and i hate that side of myself. but how can one not worry?? he has oodles of character and personality. and now, i find myself thinking abt him day and night, even in my sleep, of how he used to smile at me with his teeeth flashing, and how he used to cuddle and carry me, and how he used to care and protect me. if god has a plan for me i really do hope that that plan he made for me involves him being in my life.not as a friend but instead something more then that.i will wait for him, hoping everyday that god is testing me, hoping that i'll get my happy ending in the end.hoping.and even if it doesnt work out in the end i'll know that at least i tried, at least i took a chance at what i wanted instead of just following ppl's advice.and i'll still love him like i always had even if we do go our separate ways after these two years are gone. for now, i shall wait for my dearly beloved. in faith i shall believe in god and walk the road god has paved out for me. in great faith i shall GET my happy ending. i love u dear. i'll never forget u.i will wait for u if thats the last thing i do.