when will i ever live my life???

its been ages since i last blogged and i've so much to say now. the last time i blogged was before my o lvels where i was struggling to pass o's. now, fast forward to the year 2008, months after o's, im back blogging again. cos i've just got too much feelings conjured up inside me, i've got to let it out.i cant tolerate it any longer. im upset, heartbroken, and frightened. i spend my days staring at my new laptop, viewing again and again at my beloved's friendster, listening to elliot yamin's waiting for you time and time again, my nights r spent reading the bible, praying to god, hoping and trying my best to believe that there's still hope for my future, something that i can actually be happy abt;god is the only one i can rely on now.will i actually survive the 2 years? will god really bless me?? will my parents actually finally give me the freedom i deserve when im 18? will they seriously let me make my own decisions? lately it seems like i've been jinxed. i try my best to move on and be happy but how can i in the first place? each time i finally manage to move a step , something will pop up in the silly mind of mine again. and i'll start weeping all over again, all the way in silence.cos its no use letting anyone know.. i try to move on but deep inside i just can't. a friend of mine told me that it maybe because i've got too much free time now that im on my hols so i spend most of my time wondering abt things i shldnt wonder abt. and when i finally enter poly it'll all be better. i hope its the case.im on my last few days of my vacation and time passes so slowly. where is this going? my life that is? in all aspects of it? my love life? my education? my future? he was everything to me. i thought nothing of him when we first met, but now, overtime, he has begun to grow on me, and now i find myself weeping everynight for him.weeping and tearing in silence under the my blanket covers. looking at the pledge he earnestly wrote for me and listening to sad songs. now he has even begun evading my dreams. i dream of him when im asleep. will i ever move on? will he forget me in time to come? will his efforts actually pay off in the end? will god help us? maybe im just being my worrywart, pessimistic self, and i hate that side of myself. but how can one not worry?? he has oodles of character and personality. and now, i find myself thinking abt him day and night, even in my sleep, of how he used to smile at me with his teeeth flashing, and how he used to cuddle and carry me, and how he used to care and protect me. if god has a plan for me i really do hope that that plan he made for me involves him being in my life.not as a friend but instead something more then that.i will wait for him, hoping everyday that god is testing me, hoping that i'll get my happy ending in the end.hoping.and even if it doesnt work out in the end i'll know that at least i tried, at least i took a chance at what i wanted instead of just following ppl's advice.and i'll still love him like i always had even if we do go our separate ways after these two years are gone. for now, i shall wait for my dearly beloved. in faith i shall believe in god and walk the road god has paved out for me. in great faith i shall GET my happy ending. i love u dear. i'll never forget u.i will wait for u if thats the last thing i do.